Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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