Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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