Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
