i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
