You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
