Four minutes until I can fart!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize