forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
