this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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