Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
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