I have demons in me.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
