is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
