I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
