They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
