he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
