in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
