I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
