please come you make the beer taste better
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
