So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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