when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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