he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
