Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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