And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
