I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
