Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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