nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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