she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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