he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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