the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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