A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
