someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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