the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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