i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize