my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
