I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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