My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
