I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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