it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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