Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Never joke about your clitoris.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
