These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
