Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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