this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
