Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
