she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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