I skipped work to stalk him.
i think i have two assholes
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
