i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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