Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You've changed since you got that strap on
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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