I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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