Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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