Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
