I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
