Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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