it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We got so high we made milksteak
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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