I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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