oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
why does every cop we meet know your name?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize