I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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