I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize