You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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