I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
