who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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