Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
