The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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