she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
