My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
