He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
