My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I supernannyed him into submission
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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